Overcoming disappointment

As a person with Asperger, I see the world differently at times and may also not see a logical point of view since my method of thinking is wired differently to others who do not have Asperger. That is probably what led to a depression; one where I did a personal development course for the counselling service known as Youthline which has been in existence since 1970. I was unable to make it onto the next level and I was unhappy about this, especially since Youthline meant a lot to me and I liked the people who were part of the course. Although the end result was greater than I could have ever imagined it to be and it was events along the way that contributed to this result. It has helped me to grow and learn a lot and I would like to share it with everyone

Vikram Wagh

Starting Youthline and the first Verdict

When I enrolled into Youthline in early March 2012, I was sceptical at first because normally when I am enrolled in or join groups, I do not fit in completely because of having differences with other people which sometimes causes discomfort between them and me. Yet at the first session, I met some lovely people which immediately changed my mindset about joining a group. I fell in love with the place immediately and grew fond of my fellow participants as well as the facilitators. Sessions included why we joined Youthline; we shared our personal experiences and each underwent some transformation in our own way. We shared various ways that we believed was the best way to help others.

My participation in the course brought out something new in me which was an interest to socialize which I did not have earlier. I wanted to meet the group socially outside of Youthline. I was disappointed when my request to meet them outside was declined by them as they said they had other commitments and would be unable to meet me. While I tried to understand that they might have been telling the truth, I also began to suspect that these could be excuses. At the same time, eleven weeks, which was the timeframe of the course, just flew by and a day came where we had a private meeting with the facilitators regarding our results for moving onto the next level which was known as the Basic Youth and Community Counselling Skills and I anxiously awaited the results. However, when my name was called to talk to the facilitators I was told by them that I had not made it, I was devastated. I could only convey the results to my parents and my counsellor. As the days passed I was consumed by sadness, due to the fact that this was yet another disappointment having been declined on previous occasions elsewhere.

With a heavy heart I attended the final session which was a good experience and where we wrote to each other what we enjoyed about the group as well as our experiences working with each other. When the session ended, the facilitators took me aside privately as they had two times earlier for different purposes and asked me how I had been since given the verdict that had broken my heart. I explained that I had had many bad dreams related to Lion tragedy, given that the Lion is my favourite animal. Examples included

-          A male Lion coming too late to save his pride from an attack by Buffaloes in Nairobi national park in Kenya and many of the Lionesses and cubs in the pride are either killed or wounded by the Buffalo

-          Lion cubs almost horned by a Black Rhinoceros when their mother saves them in Etosha national park in Namibia

-          A Lion killed by Masai tribesmen as a rite of passage into manhood in the (Masai) Mara of Kenya

-          An Elephant herd forming a circle around their calves in Kruger national park in South Africa to protect themselves from a Lion Pride. The male of the Pride darts among the Elephants’ legs to panic them but one of the Elephants catches him with her trunk and tosses him into the air before trampling him, causing the other Lions to retreat

-         A Leopard almost managing to kill Lions cubs were it not for their mother who gets into a fight against the Leopard in Mana Pools national park in Zimbabwe. Despite managing to kill him, she is wounded quite badly and takes a few days for her to recover from her wounds and her cubs to recover from their trauma

-          A Lion trying to kill a young White Rhinoceros in Murchison Falls national park in Uganda only for the mother to charge at the Lion and spear him with her horns

-          Theodore Roosevelt watching a Lion hunt from horseback by Nandi tribesmen on the Aithi Plains of Kenya during the former president’s visit to Africa in 1909

-          An Indian Lion run over by a train in Gir Forest in Western India

-         Lion advocate George Adamson meeting his end at the hands of Somalian bandit-poachers in Kora national park in Kenya in 1989 when he attempted to save tourists from them. Despite being shot dead, Adamson’s efforts to save the tourists was successful. Following his funeral, the Lions he trained for release into the wild gathered by his grave as if to say goodbye

The facilitators were able to relate to the above and encouraged me to carry on and find an organization that I could join the same way as Youthline.

I tried getting involved in the theatre group at Youthline but was told that I could not because I was not associated with Youthline anymore. I also tried to get involved in fundraising for them but was not selected. My parents who saw my mood drop day by day tried to console me. They said that they would attempt to contact Youthline and find out how else I could get involved with them. Unfortunately, they could not help since either Youthline did not return their calls and even when my facilitators told me they would contact my parents, there was always a difficulty from my part in choosing whether or not they could discuss the feedback they gave me at the end of the group with my parents. For the next few weeks, my emotions were the same; I would cry frequently and spend a lot of time in my room by myself in bed. I was unable to sleep or eat well and regarding the latter, I did not feel like doing it at all. I would have dreams about my favourite animal in sad situations. Arguments between me and my family were not uncommon as I struggled to manage my emotions. They suggested that I do not delve in these thoughts and move on. Since I would talk about it to people I met, my parents suggested that I do not speak about it to others. This led to arguments which were born out of the fact that they were not able to help me and understand me. I disagreed with their advice not to talk about it to others and would often go to Youthline where I became emotional while catching up with those there and I had to be taken aside to be consoled. I would speak about what happened to me in the personal development course. At that stage, my parents considered that moving back to India may help in alleviating my depression, but we knew that was neither a solution nor answer.

One night, one of the people who did the course with me hosted a dinner for all of us. Most of us were at the dinner and we had a wonderful time sharing our interests and taking photographs. When I heard some of them saying to each other that they would see each other next week, I knew they were going to the next level of Youthline’s counselling services. I shared that with my parents who attempted to tell me that I was a good person and all I could say was that Youthline failed to see that in me. Eventually, my mother contacted the person who had recommended Youthline to her and asked if I could get involved with Youthline in any way. I approached a friend to contact Youthline to get help. Around this time, I spoke to the person who hosted the dinner about not being able to go onto the next level like she and the others did but after a few responses, she made no real understanding by not sending a reply of that kind. My counsellor, like my parents, advised me to move on from Youthline and not only did I have to see her more often, she would often have frequent meetings with my parents to find out how they could help me. I wanted to witness the next session where the group I was part of were going to be in but could not as that could amount to stalking. I would post frequently on the Youthline Facebook wall and some of these posts were unnecessary or unrelated to the organization.

For a short period, I became suicidal for not being able to do what I enjoyed. However, it was the encouragement from family and friends that prevented me from doing anything foolish. I wanted to try out the personal development course again although both my counsellor and my parents pointed out that there would be new people and not the faces I was familiar with. My parents also helped me to reunite with the social groups of Autism NZ also known as Asperger Network, an organization which brings people on the Autism spectrum together. While I first went during my last year of high school, I stopped going for this after I graduated and kind of forgot about it. It was good to go back and be reunited with my friends there, promising them that I would continue coming to the get-togethers.

Following my 22^nd birthday which was attended by two members of the group and one of the facilitators, it became evident that for a person with Asperger, counselling is not a good option, something which one of my group's facilitators told my parents when they got in touch with my parents about my disappointment in not passing personal development. During counselling, one has to be careful about what is said to the client. An Aspergetic person tends to say what they see which may not help in delicate situations; not to say that there were other people with Asperger who made it onto the next level but they presented themselves differently to me. Mum conveyed it to me after her message (regarding how I was unable to proceed with Youthline) reached one of the facilitators who replied to her and I was ready to accept it although at the time, I still wanted to do personal development again to go onto the next level. A few days after I turned 22, I paid a permitted visit to the group shortly before they began the next programme but it still aggravated my unhappy emotions especially when I tried to explain to the facilitators that I wanted to try PD again and they told me it was an unlikelihood that I would pass it again. Following the meeting which was followed by the typical round of an argument between me and my parents the facilitators responded to my parents' message (concerning how I was not able to go ahead with Youthline and not being allowed to do other programmes there) a few days later and stated that it was important for me to understand that my brain was not a match for PD and that it was important to find other organisations

After a few days, I was invited to a camp where people associated with Youthline get together. Even though I had not made it onto the next level, I was still allowed to participate in the camp given that since I had done the PD course, I could come for it and I really felt good about it. However, at the camp, it made me feel kind of sad that the facilitators still maintained I would not pass personal development again. When the camp was over, I got in touch with several people from Youthline who were at the camp group and shared with them how I was not able to make it to the next level. A few months later, the facilitators of personal development got in touch with my parents to voice concerns as to whether or not it was really a good idea for me to try personal development again as it was not their decision to choose it for me given that they would only tell their superiors what I had been like so they could assess whether or not I could do it again. They also noticed that I was unhappy about their opinion that I would not pass personal development again. At that stage, my parents wished that they had never enrolled me in Youthline. Because people who did the course with me still turned down my offers to catch up, I convinced one of the facilitators to hold a get-together at his place which he mainly did for my sake and a few of the group came over as did two of my other friends. While I was asked not to talk about not passing Youthline by the host mainly due to the fact that it would only make me sadder, I did share with the others in private of my sadness in not being able to pass the course.

For days altogether, my spirit had been pretty much crushed; I felt alone, I felt denied and I felt that my whole life was the way it was and that the Youthline experience was a re-enactment of what I had been going through all my life when it came to being denied what I wanted to do. One day, I booked an appointment with one of Youthline’s counselors and told him what happened. I have never met a more empathetic and understanding Youthline counsellor. Surprisingly, he supported my wanting to do personal development again and did suggest that I try to apply again, although I should be prepared for either not being selected or for not making it to the next level. I was discouraged by both my family and former counselor who kept trying to point out that Youthline appeared to be pushing me away and I kept wanting to be involved with them even though doing it and not passing it only saddened me further. That did not deter me however, I signed a form (to redo personal development) I was given by a facilitator who told me that personal development could sometimes be re-done and I also spoke to Youthline’s officials about redoing the course shortly before signing the form. It was a long and anxious wait.

The second verdict and transformation

It came as no surprise to me or my family when I was declined from doing Youthline's personal development course again. At that point I was saddened again and felt bitter about being denied the opportunity to do what I always wanted to do and contacted one of the group to share my disappointment which was understandable, but after the second verdict I had a completely different change of mind from the first verdict and thus did not feel as sad as when I did not pass personal development. A new thought in me was born; I knew that if I did not get rid of this sadness or anger or if I did not learn or find a way to forgive Youthline for having done what they did to me, I would end up nowhere and for once, like all my well-wishers I did not want that.

I decided I would concentrate on finding inner peace as that could be a way to find answers for why I was unable to go further with Youthline after personal development. I prayed to my favourite God, the Lion-headed Narasimha (an avatar of the Hindu God Vishnu), to give me peace. I also started to do spiritual activities such as meditation. I began to realize why the first verdict was given to me; Youthline were completely justified in the results that they gave me, especially since some of my contributions to the group were not probably the best. Examples included unrelated comparisons and associations and my choosiness to work with people so Youthline had not done anything wrong by giving me the results that revealed I could not go onto the next level. I slowly came to understand that Youthline was not the ultimate way of making friends and there were other avenues. I could have the same level of enthusiasm towards joining other organizations as I did for Youthline. I also came to realize that it is always important to respect a person’s decision as to whether or not they chose to be friends with me. This was instrumental in helping me to let go of the craze I had with wanting to catch up with those who were in the course with me and was able to understand and respect their decision not to meet me and that seeing each other when we encounter each other was fine with me. I slowly began to remove the unnecessary posts I put on Youthline’s Facebook page and contributed to it meaningfully. My interaction with friends at Autism NZ convinced me that I did not feel the need to reach out to Youthline again unless Youthline chose to do so. I also began to focus more on my University studies.

It was over time that I realized my true friends are my family friends and those at Autism NZ and they were and still are the ones who really matter in life. By the end of the year, I felt I could let go of my worries surrounding Youthline. In 2013, when I thought about “the case” as I call it, it was with a new mindset. Normally when I thought of it, I used to get emotional and that did not happen anymore. I thought I would get involved with Youthline again and the way I was meant to have done it, this time without the need to get ‘so involved’ with people there and instead get involved with Youthline as an organization. Early that year, a girl who I met at the Youthline camp came to know of how I could not make it past Youthline's personal development course and assuming they were not listening to me by  turning down by second application to redo personal development as well as not returning my calls or emails and appearing as if they did not want me to be a part of them, contacted them asking if I could partake in a fundraising for them. Amazingly, Youthline gave me permission to do the fundraising and little did I know that this would pave way for other fundraising for them and slowly, they started to open up to me, giving my applications for their fundraising events consideration although I believe to this day that by letting go of wanting to be a part of them all the time, they would still have allowed me to be part of other non-counselling events even if I had not spoken to the girl who I met at the Youthline camp. Following this, shortly before I graduated from university in 2013 with a degree in Creative Writing, I started with a new counsellor, who has been great for me. He has helped me to understand where my feelings came from and how I can process such feelings in similar situations. I have come to realize that if I had seen him after the first verdict to discuss my sadness when I first encountered it, the whole situation would have been short-lived.

Along I made a new group of  friends along the way. They have great faith in me and understanding that I have Asperger, have connected with me on a special level; we go to bars together, we do karaoke together and we attend parties together. They accept me for who I am, appreciate and encourage me with my interests. The following year, I paid a surprise visit to the main facilitator of the personal development group I was part of to tell him of the fundraising for Youthline that I had done the previous year as well as some news that it inspired; doing the fundraising made me think about redoing personal development again in the year to come although this time, the intention was not to pass it but to come out with a positive feeling; one that I was meant to have come out with when I first did the course. I believed that when I first did personal development, it was probably not the right time for me to have done it. I felt I was ready to do it now and if I was not going to pass it again (which would probably be the case) then I knew I was not going to feel the way I did when I previously did it. Now with a new mindset I was prepared to do my best and be happy with any outcome. He was very happy to hear that and supported my decision, especially when I joked with him that even if he said that I would not pass it, I would not take it personally because I had finally come to agree with him.

In early 2015, three years after I first heard about and was enrolled into Youthline by my parents, the organization came back to me and told me that they could not offer me the Personal Development course again. I was not unhappy with their decision and also supported the notion that those who had not been exposed to Youthline should try it out which is something that Youthline told me as they wanted to look to offering the course to those who had not done it. I can proudly say now that it has been an honour doing Youthline and I would highly recommend it to anyone. I am not bitter about having been told that I could not continue with it. I do regret, however, that I became depressed about the outcome when I was told the first time that I could not make it and that it took a long time to see why I could not make it in Youthline. It was quite uplifting to be able to accept and respect Youthline’s decision which I feel should have been there in the first place. I am happy though to take part in their fundraising whether or not they call me as I feel that is how I am going to be associated with them and was supposed to be associated with them. It felt good that I took the second declination of my application to redo personal development positively and this established a good feeling about Youthline which had not been there earlier. I continue to support them as they have been helping New Zealand since 1970. 

At the same time, my calling was helping me focus less on redoing personal development and more on my future plans. As a fan of traveling, in 2013, I came across a YouTube channel known as Expoza. Unlike many noted travel companies or organizations such as Lonely Planet or Insight Guides, they do not write books about travel destinations. They make fabulous and informative documentaries on travel destinations. I came to rank the top travel destinations based on how they were made by Expoza Travel as well as their pattern of filming and releasing them according to year since they were all released in 2007 but filmed in 1999. They are:

                                                                                Singapore

                                                                                      Kenya

                                                                                 South Africa

                                                                           Namibia

It was these places that inspired me to go and have a life and career in either one of these destinations, since they are strongly associated with my favourite animal, the king of the beasts both physically and spiritually as well as historically. I decided that it would be either of these destinations that I would focus on having a life and career in as a future plan.

Although I am not sure why I took it so hard when I was first told that I could not continue with Youthline, what matters is the positive reaction I had the next two times on being declined. Releasing myself from the worries I have had regarding being associated with Youthline has given me a positive view on Youthline and has helped me to focus more on my future plans.

                           

The End